Looking forward by looking back

As the year 2025 comes to an end, I would usually dig into some statistics and see what I did this year. For example, my self-hosted scrobbles tell me that I listened to 8745 tracks in 2025 for a total duration of more than 24 days as of writing. In a similar mood my sport page respectively the underlying system tells wild sport stats (a total moving distance over 10000km). I am also a lucky bastard with a family that even appreciates me telling about the stuff I read this year: 41 books so far. My highlights in that regard have been

• DOOM Guy: Life In First Person by John Romero
• Become an Effective Software Engineering Manager – How to Be the Leader Your Development Team Needs by James Stanier
• The Iron Heel by Jack London
• Feeding the Machine. Hinter den Kulissen der KI-Imperien by James Muldoon, Mark Graham & Callum Cant

But really, all those stats are mostly masturbation, at least the sports stuff, which is why I stopped posting them too often to social media. The people who are into this know where to find and follow me for that content, but I neither want to create pressure on somebody else just because I am an idiot who goes outside every day nor do I want to have the pressure myself by defining me only through running or whatever.

And this brings me to a post I read yesterday: “What If I Were Twenty Again? Thoughts on My 46th Birthday” by Stefano Marinelli. Stefano is born in 1979, just a bit younger than I, and his thoughts resonates a lot with my feelings. Good for me, I read his piece while sitting in a bus going for a nice, long run and I could ruminate over my own progress the last years long enough.

The question really is: “What if I were twenty again in 1999?” or “What if I were twenty again in 2026?”? The answers to both are different.

What if I were twenty again in 2026?

Basically, I think I would be screwed. I was a weird, angry kid with few friends. Not your stereotypic nerd doing their first programming at the age of 10 or something, but often still smarter than good for me and—sorry for sounding like an idiot—intelligent enough that I stood out in the working class family I came from. School was never a problem and I used to rub it into peoples faces, especially the ones who always thought “no, not that guy from that background in the area of town”.

I literally could see me being even angrier on the internet that I am today. Pushing away the people who did—and still have genuine—interest in me even more than I did back in 1999, drowning myself in the plethora of channels available. So much is right there at the tap of a finger, you even have problems to choose the particular emptiness machine you want to feed from. In the end, chances are high that I would fell for an algorithm and dig myself into a whole.

And if not, what then? Starting a career in computer science / math like I did back 26 years? While I do honestly think that this is still a good idea, despite our industry being in a dark valley (I wrote about that here in German, in case you are interested), I would most likely not thinking that with the limited knowledge and self-assurance of a twenty-year-old. I would feel more lost today than I know that I felt in 1999.

Self-assurance, confidence and the feeling of belonging brings me back to 1999 and the other part of the question: What if I were twenty again in 1999?

What if I were twenty again in 1999?

I seriously never entertained the thought of “oh god, I just wish to change the past” once. The past is what me got here, and I am happy where I am. I used to drink quite a bit between 16 and 20-something, but never that much that it become a really terrible habit. Never smoked, just tried some weed a couple of times, that’s about that. No need to change. What would I do different is not trying to push people away. I realised late, but not to late, that the angry, isolated dude is not a great goal to have. No-one is superior in isolation and in their doing. No-one exists in isolation, it’s giving and taking, learning and understanding.

Everytime I see another guy (and yes, it’s mostly guys in those cases) roughly me age like the dude who made Ruby on Rails prominent, the Zuckerbergs, Thiels and Musks of this world, I can feel their frustration with live, the anger for not being properly admired when they were younger. Look how despite their unimaginable wealth they are still deeply unhappy, insecure and are still retaliating against basically the whole world, it’s sickening. I think that’s what happens when you never take a pause, challenge your own standpoint and stick in that “angry kid mentality”.

It would be something if I could make my younger self realise the above earlier. And honestly, much more important than for example stopping booze and getting into sports prior to my forties (although, I have to say I kinda envy my 16-year-old boy for the incredible gains over a year with which I cannot compete the slightest). Alas, I think I managed just in time. Not alone though… There’s good reason my back-then girlfriend and now wife and I are still together.

Aim for belonging. Find your own ability that gives you confidence. Look for people that challenge and support you, not for the yes-men.

The rest? 1999 was kinda cool, but not overwhelming. I really did not care much about computers as for “programming stuff”. I enjoyed a bit of the early internet in Germany, the first Mp3 hype, stuff like that. Early mobile phones, a cheap car. Do I want to have that back? No. It’s a great memory, but there’s room for new memories still in my head. I try not to dig into nostalgia.

What about 2026?

On that, I have to quote one of my favorite bands, Antilopen Gang

An dem Tag, an dem ich starb, hielt leider keiner ‘ne Rede
Keiner wusste, wer ich war, ich war nie greifbar gewesen
Manche war’n schadenfroh, im Radio lief idiotischer Mist
Lass die andern sich verändern und bleib so, wie du bist
So wie du bist, ich wollt niemals bleiben, wer und wie ich war
Denn ich hab’ mich selbst verraten, solange mein Herz schlug und ich atmete
Das Sein bestimmt die Bewusstlosigkeit
In mein’n lustigsten Zeiten wusst ich nicht weiter
Ich wollte wegrenn’n, wenn es zu gemütlich war
Fühlte mich unter Küchenpsychologen wie ein Psychopath
Eure scheiß Tradition und eure scheiß Beständigkeit
Heißt, dass ihr häng’ngeblieben seid

–Antilopen Gang—Nichts für immer

In general, I think we are heading into rough times. Global and national fascists and right-wing governments are on the rise. The news are downplaying climate change until at some point, even the global west cannot ignore or deal with the fugitives on our doorsteps anymore by substitute-wars anymore. Until then, we will see more and more beatings from above on the elderly, the sick, the poor, and kids, beating the working class into obedience. And yes, I am in that paragraph. We do earn well, but still, we cannot just stop working and continue living as before, and we are dependently employed, hence working class.

Changes started to appear in my job over the last year. Last month, I moved teams and by a good chance I won’t have the luxury anymore to retreat to just build good stuff anymore, but being somewhat of a leader. This is where the experience of a 46-year-old really helps my inner twenty-something. I know I can and did change and adapt so many times in these years. From being “a lone wolf” to becoming a partner, husband, father; from being overweight to marathoner; testing resilience during a global pandemic, moving from a developer, to architect, to opensource maintainer to… something new.

Change is not always good, I wouldn’t go as far to say that. But it always contains chances, and I am looking forward to take them. I am glad not being twenty anymore. My hopes are that I can build on the resilience I gained over the last years, especially the last 5 or so, for the times ahead. Last but not least, I am father of two kids and given the last years, it will be like the blink of an eye until I seem them turning twenty. I am grateful to learn every day from them.

With that, I wish all of you readers all the best for 2026. Stay human, stay humble. Stay true to yourself by embracing change.

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